Selfie

She shared the video about moms and daughters taking selfies.  It was about a project to help younger and older women accept their perceived faults as attributes of beauty.  So watch the video and use the word selfie as a prompt, she suggested.

Asymmetry, one eye hooded, one deeper set. Wrinkles. Floppy neck. Sparse eye lashes and eye brows. Crazy hair. Mustache. I don’t even know where to begin with that nose. Crooked second incisor. Scars. Love handles. Bunion. Varicose veins. Chin hairs.

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With this body and with this face I inspire and encourage students to work hard and succeed. I am loving my son and daughter. I am engaged in incredible friendships. I attracted the love of an amazing man. I run races. I practice yoga. I dance and dream and write.  With this body and this face I find determination and passion and strength.  Heads turn towards me and gazes follow me.

Am I beautiful?  Yup.  You bet.

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Love Cures Cancer

 

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       Before

 

“Baby, we’ve had enough fun in the last couple of years.

 

Let’s just do it our way and love, love, love! (My friend and fellow breast cancer warrior, Ivy)

 

 My struggle with cancer began in 2011 with a surprising diagnosis. Breast cancer. Nobody is ever ready for a cancer diagnosis.  But I’m so healthy!  I eat all the right foods!  I exercise! I get enough sleep and take my vitamins!  Seven days after the diagnosis, the surgeon removed my right breast and a few lymph nodes. Four weeks after the mastectomy began the six months of treatment and almost a dozen more surgeries.

 

 I decided to surrender to the doctors during treatment; if a medical professional recommended something, I followed through. Instead of worrying about alternatives to conventional treatment, I decided to focus on love. I would study it, ask for it, pray for it, practice it. 

 

 “Dear children; let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”(John 3:18)

 

 Chemotherapy. The very word makes me want to close my eyes and turn away. What does chemotherapy mean? Preparation; pack a lunch, enlist a loved one to keep you company, plan for possible side effects (eat ginger, take steroids and xanax, drink smooth move tea), charge your Iphone.

The actual treatment: Blood draws, visiting with the medical oncologist, waiting for orders, taking the hand of a very gentle oncology nurse who leads you to a recliner where you sit still as an IV line is installed to deliver poison directly into your veins. A poison that will bring you to the brink of death and leave you there for a few days.    

 

 I was not afraid to ask for prayer, love, and light before treatments. And I got it! Hundreds of facebook messages; texts, calls, gifts, cards, letters, visits. Love in action. Receiving love took much more effort than giving love.

 

“I have found thee paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” (Mother Theresa)

 

 Oh it hurts. But it’s not until the next day you feel like a truck hit you. Fatigue, nausea, hives, constipation, pain, hot flashes, fungal infection, insomnia, loss of appetite, loss of the sense of smell, disruption in your sense of taste where everything tastes rotten, muscle pain, joint pain, loss of mental acuity, memory loss, weight gain, dangerous allergic reactions, baldness, really slow healing, balance issues. And now you will be immune compromised for more than a year. But every day after treatment, you feel better until 3 weeks go by and the cycle starts again.

 

 I kept repeating affirmations; like; “The chemotherapy is washing me clean of any and all cancer cells and it is life affirming.” and “I feel good; I feel great; I feel wonderful.” I built a love altar where I meditated on love. I practiced random and planned acts of kindness where handed out cards that said to pass it on. I completed 29 Facebook postings of love quotes during the month of February and called it my 29 days of love project (it was a leap year).

 

 “Where there is love; there is life.”  (Mahatma Gandhi)

 

 There is a little break between chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Then starts the 7 weeks of daily treatments, with weekends off. So you get measured and scanned and tattooed. You lie (half naked) on a cold, metal table with your arms extended over your head while gamma rays shoot into and around your scar, sometimes 20 minutes, sometimes more than an hour. The technicians protect your healthy parts with sheets of lead so the machine can aim only at the scar and the tissue beneath. The lights go off, you are left alone in the room, and the machine buzzes, whirrs, and ticks all around you, 360 degrees. At first you notice nothing, but after a couple of weeks, profound fatigue sets in. Fatigue so bad, the air seems as heavy and thick as oatmeal, and as hard to negotiate.  Fatigue so bad you really have to think about walking from the car to the door. And then the burning starts.  Remember, you are immune compromised and your body is slow to heal. Even if you could heal, there’s no chance to-you’re getting another treatment in 24 hours. Also, you skin has been irreparably damaged, so when the blistering starts, you won’t get better. You will continue to ooze and peel. That doesn’t really matter, though, since soon your skin will turn black and fall off. I stayed home for a week wrapped in a blanket after radiation was over; I couldn’t tolerate wearing clothes.

 

 During the long weeks of radiation, I decided to modify the 29 gifts project (Cami Walker, founder) and make it 35 gifts.  Every day of radiation I gave a gift to strangers; loved ones; family; friends. I also decided to be grateful and started writing thank you letters, sometimes 10 a day.

 

 “Love expects no reward. Love knows no fear. Love Divine gives-does not demand. Love thinks no evil; imputes no motive. To love is to share and serve.” (Sivananda)

 

So what does this mean love cures cancer? 

 

Not that you will necessarily survive surgery and treatment.  God knows I almost didn’t; I was close to death more than once. I am grateful I did survive, but strange as it may sound that wasn’t the goal of all my projects, challenges, actions, and meditations. My goal was to live each day as a gift and to fill each day with love.

 

 Love does not guarantee treatment will make the cancer go away, or even that you will survive treatment. Love cures cancer by making cancer irrelevant.  Love conquers cancer. And that’s what surviving cancer means to me. To practice love all day, every day. To strive to be love’s body. To be love walking around.

 

 “To love abundantly is to live abundantly; and to love forever is to live forever.” (Henry Drummond)

 

 Early in treatment, I chose one, little word to focus on. I chose love.

 

Love cures cancer.

 

                   After

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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27th Day


“Lovers alone wear sunlight.”
― E.E. Cummings
(27th of 28 days of love)

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26th Day


“Unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense.”
― E.E. Cummings
(26th of 28 days of love)

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25th Day


“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.”
― Mary Oliver, Wild Geese
(25th day of 28 days of love)

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24th Day


“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

― Mary Oliver
(24th of 28 days of love)

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23rd Day


“Love yourself. Then forget it.
Then, love the world.”
― Mary Oliver, Evidence: Poems
(23rd of 28 days of love)

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